Help Someone
Stand Up and help them live a happier and healthier life:
If you know someone who is using abusive behaviors or experiencing relationship violence, you can help make a difference with these 10 steps:
Step 1: Learn
Before you act, make sure you understand the dynamics of abuse:
Abusive Behaviors
Learn what behaviors are present in an abusive relationship.
Power & Control
Learn about the role of power and control in relationship violence.
Warning Signs
Learn what indicators can help you identify abuse in a relationship.
Step 2: Reflect
Before you talk to them, understand where you are by asking yourself:
- Why am I getting involved?
- What are my feelings towards abuse?
- Do I have the emotional support that I need?
- What do I expect to happen?
- How do past experienced influence my feelings?
- Am I putting my or someone else’s safety at risk?
Step 3: Consider
Prepare yourself by keeping these important points in mind:
Follow their pace
Be supportive
Don't try to be a hero
Know your limits
Don't take it personally
Is someone in danger?
Step 4: What Not to Do
Almost as important as knowing what to do is knowing what to avoid:
- Don’t blame the person experiencing abuse
- Don’t argue with them
- Don’t tell them what they “have to” do
- Don’t criticize either person in the relationship
- Don’t accept excuses for the abuse
- Don’t put yourself in harm’s way
Step 5: Start the Conversation
Find a quiet, private place to talk and being by asking:
- How are things between you and ______?
- You know you can talk to me about anything, right?
- Have you heard of Stand Up Colorado?
- I saw ______ upset the other day. Is everything OK?
- Is everything going well in your relationship?
- Did you know ______ about relationship violence?
- Do you know how common relationship violence is?
- I saw ______ upset the other day. Is everything OK?
Step 6: State Your Concerns
Be sure to talk to them in a non-shaming, non-blaming manner:
If they are using abusive behaviors:
- I’ve seen things like…
- I’m concerned by the way you talk to ______.
- I don’t think it’s OK when you…
- Do you notice how your behavior impacts ______?
- I don’t like how I’ve seen you treat ______.
- I saw ______ upset the other day. Is everything OK?
If they are experiencing abuse:
- You deserve to be safe and in a healthy relationship.
- I’m concerned by the way ______ talks to you.
- I don’t like the way ______ treats you.
- I don’t think it’s OK when…
- Do you know how common relationship violence is?
- I’ve noticed the way ______ has been treating you.
Step 7: The Discussion
Remember to be supportive and continually remind them you are here to help:
If they are using abusive behaviors:
- You know how much I care about you, right?
- I want you to have a healthy relationship.
- You know, I know seen and heard…
- There is no excuse, you are choosing this behavior.
- Your abusive behavior won’t be tolerated.
- Do you know how much your abuse impacts others?
- There’s consequences for your actions.
- Change is possible and help is available.
If they are experiencing abuse:
- I’m concerned for your safety and well-being
- The abuse you are experiencing is not your fault.
- I am here to listen and support you.
- They are choosing to use abusive behaviors.
- You have a right to live free from fear and violence.
- I will always be here for you.
- It’s very important that you have a safety plan.
- No matter what, I will support your decision.
Step 8: Provide Resources
Don’t try to do it alone. Tell them about the support and resources available:
Step 9: Follow-up
After the initial conversation, don’t let the issue fall back behind closed doors:
- It is OK to get involved
- Call out abusive behavior, it could save a life
- Hold the person using abusive behaviors accountable
- Continue to encourage them to seek help
- Remember you might be the only person to intervene
- Let them know that you are there for them
Step 10: Never Give Up
Continue to voice your concerns, provide support, and remember:
- Change takes time
- You may not have an immediate impact
- People who experience abuse don’t seek help for many reasons
- Changing abusive behaviors requires a serious decision
- Every situation is different
- They might not be ready to listen yet
- Encouragement increases their chances of seeking help
- People using abusive behaviors need support to change